He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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