You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
