I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
