Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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