I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
