I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
