Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
You smell like stripper and shame
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
