On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
