They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
