I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
In other news, I just burned my penis
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
