I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
