So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
