i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
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