Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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