He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
