i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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