You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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