did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
my poor anus
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
