and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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