don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
