Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
