Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
