I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
