i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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