i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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