Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
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