Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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