i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
the liver wants what the liver wants
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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