Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
