Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I think my moral compass just broke
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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