I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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