I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
