I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
