I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
