On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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