Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You're breaking my sexual little heart
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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