You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
