I'm eating all of the evidence.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
