Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
