Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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