You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
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