No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
