I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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