how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
someone owes me an orgasm
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
