it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
