I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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