He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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