I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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