I met the friendliest cop last night
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
