My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
