I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
