If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
