hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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