moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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