I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
