dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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