ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize