We're like a lot better than the average bears
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize