I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
