My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
